A CONCISE SUMMARY OF MODERN PSYCHOLOGY
by Cambridge
Psychology is the practice of listening to anyone long enough to be able
to
hurl a damaging slogan at them. The entire subject could be reduced to a
deck
of "slogan cards" that anyone who could keep themselves upright in a chair
without help could flash--virtually at random, since almost any slogan is
suitable for almost any occasion where harm is intended.
Here are some examples from psychology's deck of slogan cards:
"You need to practice anger control."
"You are internalizing--you don't let your emotions out."
"You are much too sensitive."
"You need to get in touch with your inner feelings."
"You come from a dysfunctional family."
"You're dysfunctional because you don't love your family."
"Your behavior could use improvement."
"Your behavior is right but for the wrong reasons."
"Your rage comes from feelings of inadequacy."
"Your feelings of inadequacy mask a deep-seated rage."
"It's not your fault that you're that way."
"You need to admit your mistakes and move on."
"Let's agree to disagree."
Etc.
These slogans must be said very sweetly, with great sympathy and show of
love
and magnanimity. That helps hide the fact that every slogan of psychology
is
intentionally left incomplete. To demonstrate that conclusively, here are
the
same examples of psychology's slogans, but stated in their actual complete
form:
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you need to practice anger control."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you are internalizing--you don't let your
emotions out."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you are much too sensitive."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you need to get in touch with your inner
feelings."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you come from a dysfunctional family."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you're dysfunctional because you don't love
your family."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT your behavior could use improvement."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT your behavior is right but for the wrong
reasons."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT your rage comes from feelings of
inadequacy."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT your feelings of inadequacy mask a
deep-seated
rage."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS FORGIVABLE because it's not your fault that
you're
that way."
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS THAT you need to admit your mistakes and move
on."
"YOU ARE WRONG, so let's agree to disagree."
Of course the astute reader will have come to the delightful realization
by
now that psychology really needs only one slogan card--if psychology were
at
all honest--and it would simply read:
YOU ARE WRONG.
That, though, would itself be an incomplete statement. To be complete, it
would state the following:
YOU ARE WRONG, I AM RIGHT.
By every known system of logic, this equates and converts immediately to:
YOU ARE INFERIOR, I AM SUPERIOR.
Thus ends this concise but extremely thorough summary of modern
psychology.
It must be said, however, that in "extreme cases" (EXTREME CASE: anyone
who
walks in) it is possible that the victim will not easily or readily
suc***b
to a slogan bludgeoning, and so drugs are indicated.
This always brings the victim to an understanding the he or she is wrong
and
inferior, and that the drugs are right and superior. It also softens the
mark
up for more slogan sla****ng, while fattening the practitioner's purse.
In closing, the author has one modest proposal for students, professors,
and
practitioners of psychology, and that is this: instead of laboriously
learning catchy slogans at great expense to yourselves and universities,
why
not just go to WalMart, Sears, Home Depot, or any such store, and buy a
chain
saw. Fuel it, fire it up, and use that to carve your inferior victims into
small pieces instead of murder-by-slogan. Ultimately, this would achieve
the
exact same result, but would be:
1) more honest,
2) less cowardly,
3) less costly,
4) much faster, and,
5) more humane.
The author hereby grants unlimited permission for this summary to be
reproduced freely and without restriction and posted, reprinted, and
circulated anywhere. The author privately believes that the best
distribution
means would be stapled to the foreheads of every living psychologist and
psychology professor, and that if any of them had the integrity of a
tapeworm, they would staple this article to their own foreheads. That's
why
none of them will.
Cambridge
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